That Time When My Relationship Tanked, and So Did My Relationship with My Dogs

You know that time before a breakup that just sucks? You're fighting more, the tensions are high, and the emotional bandwidth you have for any additional stress is low. For me, this also meant my bandwidth to take care of my dogs was low as I was so drained I could barely make it through the day taking care of myself. 

At the time I was living in Washington and working at a local humane society. What was once my dream job became the thing that sent me over the edge. I was dealing with really emotional, sad shi*t, every day to then come home to my relationship being a total sh*t show. My office dog had to be put down (in my arms nonetheless) and I came home to a bunch of navy boys partying in my house, making fun of me for my "dependa" job... aka I didn't make enough money to be taken seriously and was viewed as a mooch. When I had seemed "off" and tried talking about it with my ex, I was soon reminded of why I was wanting to find my way out of this relationship. 

To make matters worse, the boys forgot to close the gate to our yard. I looked outside and shockingly my fearful foster dog, Champ was still hiding under the patio, but my Sadie girl was nowhere to be found. Her husky nose got the best of her and I had no idea if she would ever come back (luckily she did, thank god I trained a good recall). Safe to say, me and my ex got in a huge fight that night which continued over the course of the next couple months. 

The dogs hated it when we fought. They became so stressed too that they were pooping in the house, shredding up furniture, and barking/howling excessively. At this point in my life, I didn't have the tools I have today to be able to handle this amount of relational stress, work stress, and dog mom stress. I got so physically sick, that I could hardly stand. I would cry in pain, having no idea what was wrong with me. Doctors didn't know what was wrong either and I ended up losing close to 30 pounds. Anytime I ate, I remember being in excruciating pain. It got so bad, that I remember just sitting and staring at a wall for hours on end. 

I'm sharing this experience with you all, because this was the catalyst for my healing journey to begin and what brought me here today. I had to make some selfish and painful choices in order for my life to change for the better. The most painful choice I had to make was rehoming my foster dog Champ. This dog was my "heart dog". The most soulmate of a dog I had ever met (no offense Sadie). We had a bond that only comes around once in a lifetime. While he thrived having acres of fenced in yard, living in the middle of the Pacific Northwest, I knew he would fail as an apartment dog.

I had no money to my name and took on a lot of debt in order to start over. An apartment was all I could afford (on my credit card), and I needed to find a roommate. How on earth was I going to find a place that allowed 2 dogs, let alone a roommate that would be ok with one of them barking non stop, pooping in the house, and tearing up all the furniture? Champ was the most fearful dog I had ever met, where even walking on a leash was basically out of the question. So I made the gut-wrenching and heartbreaking choice to leave him with my ex after numerous failed attempts at finding him the "perfect home". Volunteers at the shelter I worked at, absolutely tore me apart for this. "The Adoption Coordinator, is giving up on her dog?! How selfish." I can still feel the piercing stabs of their judgmental eyes. My heart will never not ache when I think back to this experience. As I write this, I still tear up thinking about it. 

This moment in my story was the lowest I have ever felt. I truly felt the connection of the mind, body, and soul and how when one part of you is sick, the rest soon follows. It took me years to bounce back from this experience, but I am forever grateful for what it taught me. 

It taught me resilience and the importance of taking care of yourself. Boundaries will keep you healthy and happy, and sometimes we need to make the selfish choice in order to feel ok. I've always considered myself an empathetic person, but this experience catapulted my empathy for those going through dark times and chronic pain. I now can't help it when I see dogs suffering with gut issues, loss of appetite, and chronic stress-related behaviors to see a part of myself in them. I can tell that their struggles go beyond a "training issue" and know that they truly are not feeling well. I can see the look in their owners eyes when their emotional cup is empty, and they have nothing left to give but show up for our session anyways. I know the hurt that comes with thinking about rehoming a dog or coming to terms with what your life would look like with a challenging dog. 

Personal sh*t can be tough to share or admit to others, especially to your dog trainer. But sometimes the personal sh*t is part of the equation and needs to be addressed. My goal isn't to be your therapist, but it is to be both you and your dog's support system. Sometimes an objective third party can make suggestions that will make both your lives a lot easier. So here is me sharing my personal sh*t, so you can feel more comfortable sharing yours. Life can be messy, but let's remember to be kind to ourselves and to each other.