Why Boundaries Are the Secret to Healthy Relationships (Human + Canine)

When most people hear the word boundaries, they think of walls. Something rigid. Maybe even a little “mean” or "alpha bro-y". 

But I see boundaries differently.

To me, boundaries are like a safety net—one that holds us, our loved ones, and even our dogs in a space where trust and connection can actually grow.

Boundaries With Ourselves

I’ll be honest with you—I haven’t always had good boundaries with myself or others. I’ve been a people-pleaser most of my life, and the thought of voicing my own needs or desires was so uncomfortable that I’d rather swallow them down than risk making someone else uncomfortable.

I said “yes” when my whole body was screaming for me to say “no.” I overextended myself at work, in friendships, and in relationships. And when I pushed past my limits long enough, resentment would build until I eventually “blew up” at my partner over something small.

Sometimes, I even convinced myself that people were being lazy, selfish, or unthoughtful on purpose—when in reality, I had never communicated what was bothering me in the first place. Looking back, I cringe at how I was showing up in those moments.

What I’ve learned since then is this: boundaries are not about controlling others—they’re about taking responsibility for ourselves.

Personal boundaries are simply the lines we draw to protect our time, energy, and emotional wellbeing. They might look like:

• Saying no to plans when you need rest

• Not answering work emails past a certain hour

• Telling your partner, “I have a really busy day at work today and won't be able to reply to your texts until I'm off.”

• Protecting your money, your values, or your physical space

The truth is, boundaries matter because they are the foundation of healthy, sustainable relationships. They allow us to show up from a place of honesty and compassion, instead of burnout and resentment.

And when we start practicing personal boundaries with ourselves and the humans in our lives, it becomes so much easier to understand how boundaries create safety and trust with our dogs too.

Boundaries With Others

When we get clear about our boundaries—what I like to call our non-negotiables—we’re really communicating to those around us how to treat us. Boundaries set the tone for our relationships.

When we have no boundaries at all, we often feel like a doormat, living at the mercy of other people’s values, choices, and behavior. Not only can that be draining, it can also be dangerous—because we’ve given away our power.

On the other hand, when our boundaries are too rigid, we risk walling ourselves off completely. We may block genuine connection, never letting anyone get close, or we may lack the flexibility needed to problem-solve and compromise on the smaller things that aren’t true deal-breakers.

Healthy boundaries live in the middle. They’re not too loose, not too rigid. They’re intentional, clear, and they can shift over time as our needs change.

Here’s the key, though: if you communicate a boundary to someone and then fail to hold it, you’re actually teaching them that your boundary doesn’t matter. And from a behavioral science perspective, you’re positively reinforcing them to keep testing and crossing that line.

Think about it—if someone pushes for personal touch, money, your time, or constant access to you, and you give in even after saying “no,” you’ve just rewarded their persistence. So of course, they’ll try it again.

But when you consistently uphold your boundaries, you’re sending the opposite message: what I say is what I mean. And over time, people learn to respect that without having to constantly test it.

And here’s where it gets really interesting: this is the same principle that shows up in dog training.

Dog training isn’t really “dog training”—it’s understanding behavioral science. If your dog jumps on the couch and you sometimes yell at them or sometimes laugh and cuddle them, you’re reinforcing inconsistency. You’re teaching your dog to keep jumping on the couch even when you think you have a "no dogs on the couch rule" because sometimes it works.

But when you’re consistent—calmly redirecting them off the couch if they do jump up (every single time)—they learn so much faster. The boundary becomes clear, and the behavior changes.

Boundaries With Our Dogs

This might surprise you, but dogs love boundaries. In fact, we all do—when they’re communicated clearly, early, and consistently.

Here’s what often happens, whether with humans or dogs: if boundaries haven’t been communicated or if someone has gotten used to breaking boundaries and being reinforced for it—they may become very frustrated when those boundaries are finally put in place.

With people, that might look like a partner getting upset when you suddenly start saying “no” to things you always said “yes” to. With dogs, it might look like barking, pawing, or whining when jumping that used to earn attention suddenly doesn’t anymore. In both cases, the frustration is natural—it’s what behavioral science calls an extinction burst.

When we communicate boundaries clearly and consistently, we can reduce that frustration or even prevent it from happening entirely. Boundaries create predictability, and predictability decreases anxiety for everyone.

When we set a boundary but fail to follow through consistently—like letting them jump on us sometimes but scolding them other times—we may start to feel frustrated with them. We might think, “Why can’t you just behave?” That frustration isn’t about the dog being “bad”; it’s about us not holding our own limits. Over time, inconsistency can erode our patience and enjoyment of the relationship, brewing resentment.

The solution is the same as with people: consistency, clarity, and follow-through. When boundaries are enforced reliably, dogs know what to expect. Predictability decreases anxiety and reduces frustration on both sides.

But boundaries aren’t one-sided. Just like humans, dogs have their own limits and comfort zones. Part of building a healthy relationship is learning to read them. Learning to attune to their body language is key: a tucked tail, a turned head, leaning away, tensing muscles, or moving away can all be signs they need space or don’t want to be touched in that moment. Respecting those signals isn’t optional...it’s essential to building a healthy relationship.

When we honor their boundaries as much as we enforce our own, we create a relationship built on trust and mutual respect. Dogs learn that we are predictable and safe, and we learn to appreciate and respond to their needs instead of reacting out of frustration or habit.

Boundaries, then, are never just about control—they’re about creating an environment where respect, safety, and trust can flourish, whether with our loved ones or with our dogs.

And just like with people, boundaries with dogs are reinforced not just by words, but by follow-through. If you set a limit and then don’t stick to it, you’re teaching others—human or canine—that your words don’t hold weight. But when you hold firm, kindly and consistently, you’re teaching them to trust what you say.

Next Steps for You & Your Dog

• Download my free guide "How to Stay Calm When Your Dog is Losing It" to start building more clarity and connection in your training.

• Want one-on-one support? Book a free phone consult with me—I’d love to help you and your dog find your rhythm again.

• Listen to episode 17 of The Co-Regulated K-9s Podcast for more insight into this topic!